Friday, April 6, 2007

The Evader

A.K.A: Orenthal James Simpson, O.J. Simpson, O.J., The Juice.
Image used without permission from the guardian.co.uk.The Evader puts his evading skills into practice.
Powers: Using a combination of luck, skill, acting, and time, the Evader can get out just about any jam. When he was a teenager, The Evader joined the Persian Warriors, a San Francisco street gang. Two years later, he was incarcerated at the San Francisco Youth Guidance Centre in 1962. It is suspected that the incarceration inspired him to develop his abilities, which he did to become an NFL football player, movie actor, and spokesman. The Evader has used his abilities to:
  • dodge football players and become, according to some, as one of the greatest running backs of all time. The Evader gained 11,236 rushing yards, placing him 14th on the NFL's all-time rushing list. The Evader was the first player to run for 2,000 yards in a season which has been done since then, in the NFL's current 16-game season, but The Evader is the only man to accomplish it in 14 games.1
  • escape from his first wife
  • be acquitted of the murder of his second wife and her friend, and
  • avoid paying $33,500,000 in damages as part of a civil suit.
Limitations: The Evader always escapes, but he doesn't always escape unscathed. His reputation, for example, is somewhat tarnished after the high profile court case in which he was acquitted. Status: Villain, but not according to the U.S. criminal courts. Super-villain Slogan: "I will not rest until the real killers are caught." Interesting Facts:
  • From ages three to five, The Evader had to wear home-made braces after contracting rickets.
  • The Evader was considered for the lead role in The Terminator, before it was decided audiences might not accept him as a relentless villain, due to his "nice guy" image.
  • After the murder of his second wife, The Evader promised to turn himself in to police, but didn't show up at the agreed-upon time. Several hours later his white Ford Bronco was spotted. Up to 100,000,000 people watched as a "low-speed chase" down Interstate 5 was telecast live across America. When he parked at his house, cops waited 45 minutes for him to step out of the car. He had $8,000 in cash, a fake goatee and mustache, his passport, and a loaded pistol.2

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