***RED ALERT*** The Idler

In a rare first, "There are superheroes" is asking for your help to defeat one of the most vicious, pervasive villains of our time: The Idler. A.K.A: The Idler has the potential to influence any vehicle owner: friends, relatives, even yourself. The Idler's true identity is unknown.

The Idler is so dangerous, s/he has prompted a government campaign against him/her.

Powers: In spite of the damage caused to vehicles and the environment by the Idler, s/he persists. It is suspected that the Idler has the power to brainwash ordinary vehicle owners into leaving their vehicles running. The idler uses brainwashing techniques known as "misinformation" and "false justification". The Idler can strike anywhere, any time, without being seen by the affected individual. Limitations: The Idler only has powers over the drivers of vehicles with internal combustion engines. Status: Without question, the Idler is a villain. Super-Slogan: "I'll only be gone for a minute." Interesting Facts:

• Every day, the Idler is responsible for the senseless consumption of 1,600,000 L of fuel.
• If every driver of a light-duty vehicle in Canada could overcome the powers of the Idler, we would prevent more than 3,800 tonnes of carbon dioxide from entering the atmosphere.
• Children are particularly vulnerable to the Idler's schemes – they breathe faster than adults and inhale more air per pound of body weight. Health Canada estimates that more than 5,000 Canadians die prematurely each year because of air pollution. Many of those deaths are attributable to the Idler.

How to Defeat:

• Nobody sees the idler when s/he is using his/her powers, but it is easy to tell if you have become a target because, even when you know that you should turn off your vehicle, you will catch yourself having thoughts like:
• "The engine is cold - I'll just let it warm up." (Idling is not an effective way to warm up your vehicle, even in cold weather. The best way to do this is to drive the vehicle. With today's modern engines, you need no more than 30 seconds of idling on winter days before driving away.)
• "It's cold outside. I'll keep the engine running so the heater can warm up the inside of my vehicle." (Suck it up. Don't let the Idler's wimpy justification sway you.)
• "It's hot outside. I'll keep the engine running so the air conditioning can cool off the inside of my vehicle." (Suck it up. Don't let the Idler's wimpy justification sway you.)
• "I'm only stepping out for a second. It's not good for the engine if I keep turning it on and off." (Idling can actually damage your engine components, including cylinders, spark plugs and exhaust systems.)
• "It uses more gas to start the car than it does to keep it running." (Idling for more than 10 seconds costs more than turning off your engine.)
• If you catch yourself having these thoughts as you prepare to leave your vehicle, use every ounce of self-control that you possess and take your keys out of the ignition, storing them in a secure pocket or purse. If you leave your keys in the ignition, the Idler has won.
• If you catch a friend, family member or stranger leaving or returning to an idling vehicle, point to them and shout as loudly and scornfully as you can: "IDLER! IDLER!" By doing so, you are letting the afflicted know that they are under the influence of the Idler and will scare the Idler's brainwashing out of their subconscious mind.
• Under no circumstances should you attempt to apprehend the Idler.

A well-intentioned government-sponsered advertisement that erroneously assumes that the vehicle 's driver has control over whether or not his/her vehicle gets turned off.

Many thanks to Mark Koepke of Smells Like Yukon for bringing the nefarious Idler to our attention.

The Mighty Two-Four

A.K.A: Kiefer Sutherland, "Jack Bauer"

The Mighty Two-Four, making his grand-pappy proud.

Powers: The Mighty Two-Four's powers come from the consumption of millions of complex molecules known to a select few as "Ethyl Alcohol", sometimes referred to as "The Booze". "The Booze" gives the Mighty Two-Four a sense of euphoria, unhindered confidence and invulnerability, which enables him to:

• Be the life of any party,
• Swerve his vehicle all over the road without fear of accident or injury,
• Attack offending Christmas Trees,
• And much, much more...
  The Mighty Two-Four, attacking an offending Christmas Tree

The Mighty Two-Four gets his name from the number's special significance in his life. Limitations: While the Mighty Two-Four's special molecules give him his great powers, consuming too many can be dangerous. In large quantities, "The Booze" acts as a central nervous system depressant, producing at progressively higher doses impaired sensory and motor function, slowed cognition, stupefaction, unconsciousness and even death.¹ There are rumours that the Mighty Two-Four might be addicted to "The Booze" Super-Slogan: "I've done some stupid things. You have to take responsibility, go, 'That was embarrassing,' and move forward as best you can." Status: It is a matter of personal opinion whether or not Mr. Swift is a hero or villain. Interesting Facts:

• The Mighty Two-Four is the son of Donald Sutherland and Shirley Douglas.
• The Mighty Two-Four is the grandson of "The Greatest Canadian", Tommy Douglas
• The Mighty Two-Four was arrested early September 25, 2007 on misdemeanor drunk driving charges (his second time since another incident in 2004) after failing a field sobriety test. He was pulled over at around 1:10 a.m. in West Los Angeles, where he tested over the state's legal blood alcohol limit and later released on $25,000 bail.
• On October 9th, 2007 The Mighty Two-Four pled no contest to the DUI charge and agreed to complete the 48 day jail sentence in a prison in December 2007, including Christmas and his 41st birthday.The Mighty Two-Four officially began his jail term sentence as of the 6th of December 2007.

The Allegator

A.K.A: Karlheinz Schreiber

The Allegator, hard at work.

Powers: Through the skillful use of allegations, The Allegator manipulates the political and media establishments. His skills have damaged the reputations of at least two former heads of state (deservedly or otherwise): the former Chancellor of Germany, Helmut Kohl, and former Prime Minister of Canada, Brian Mulroney. Limitations: The Allegator has a tendency to over-promise and under-deliver. The Alegator's greatest fear is extradition from Canada. Status: Villain (allegedly). Interesting Facts:

• The Allegator began his career working for the West German intelligence service, Bundesnachrichtendienst.
• After leaving the Bundesnachrichtendienst, the Allegator became an arms dealer, lobbyist and wheeler-dealer.
• The Allegator was a key figure in Canada's Airbus affair, in which he was alleged (and alleges) to have arranged secret commissions to be paid to Brian Mulroney and lobbyist Frank Moores in exchange for then Crown corporation Air Canada's purchase of Airbus jets. The Allegator allegedly (and alleges that he) made $300,000 in cash payments, in three installments, to Brian Mulroney shortly after Mulroney's departure from politics. The Allegator had previously been a key fundraiser in Mulroney's successful campaign to win the 1983 Progressive Conservative leadership convention.
• Mulroney sued the government of Canada for libel, and in early 1997 received a $2.1 million (CAD) settlement and an apology. During an examination under oath, Mulroney claimed that he hardly knew the Allegator, and had had no dealings with him after he stepped down as prime minister in 1993.
• Since 1999, the Allegator has fought extradition to his native Germany, where he is wanted on allegations of fraud, bribery and failure to pay taxes to the German government on $20 million in commissions related to sales in the 1980s of Airbus jets.
• In October 2004, then Canadian Justice Minister Irwin Cotler ordered the Allegator to surrender himself to German authorities. The Allegator, however, remains in Canada, using his allegatory powers to allege that there is a gigantic political scandal and that he holds the information that will expose a great number of politicians - thereby preventing his extradition.