The Biotech Brotherhood

A.K.A: The Monsanto Company or "Mon-satan". Formerly known as the "Chemical Clan"

Hugh Grant, leader of the Biotech Brotherhood

Powers: The Biotech Brotherhood believes that nobody should be denied the opportunity to ingest chemicals or genetically modified foods and, to achieve this end, they have been hard at work over the past century making sure that the world has all the polystyrene, saccharin, caffeine, Bovine Growth Hormone, Agent Orange, Roundup, and "Frankenfoods" it needs. The Biotech Brotherhood masterminds its nefarious plots and implements them with the use of over 16,500 employees who are "just doing my job". The Brotherhood's most successful tactic has been to employ a legion of lawyers to defend its "business practices", "proprietary information" and "patents". Limitations: Though a small army of activists is actively working to oppose them, nobody is too big or too small to be sued by the Biotech Brotherhood. Status: Evil Organization Interesting Facts:

• The Biotech Brotherhood's first product was the artificial sweetener, saccharin, which it sold to the Coca-Cola Company. It also introduced caffeine and vanillin to Coca-Cola, and became one of that company's main suppliers.
• In the 1920s, the Biotech Brotherhood expanded into basic industrial chemicals like sulfuric acid.
• In the 1940s, it became a leading manufacturer of plastics, including polystyrene, and synthetic fibers. Since then, it remained one of the top 10 US chemical companies. Other major products have included dioxin (in the herbicides 2,4,5-T and Agent Orange), aspartame (NutraSweet), bovine somatotropin (bovine growth hormone; BST), and PCBs.
• In the 1940s, the Biotech Brotherhood operated the Mound Laboratory in Dayton, OH for the Manhattan Project, the development of the first nuclear weapons.
• In 1947, an accidental explosion of ammonium nitrate fertilizer loaded on the French ship S.S. Grandcamp was responsible for the Texas City Disaster in Galveston Bay. The explosion destroyed an adjacent Biotech Brotherhood styrene manufacturing plant, along with much of the port. It is considered the largest industrial accident in US history, with the highest death toll.
• In 1954, the Biotech Brotherhood partnered with German chemical giant Bayer to form Mobay and market polyurethanes in the US.
• In the 1960s and 1970s, the Biotech Brotherhood was the leading producer of Agent Orange for US Military operations in Vietnam.
• In 1982, Biotech Brotherhood scientists become the first to genetically modify a plant cell. In 1987, the Biotech Brotherhood conducted the first field tests of genetically engineered crops.
• Throughout 2004 and 2005 the Biotech Brotherhood filed lawsuits against many small farmers in Canada and the U.S. The lawsuits have been on the grounds of patent laws, specifically the sale of crops containing the Biotech Brotherhood's patented genes as a result of wind carrying seeds from neighboring crops. The instances began in the mid to late 90s, with one of the most significant cases being ruled in favor of the Biotech Brotherhood by the Canadian Supreme Court. In late May of 2004, the Canadian Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the Biotech Brotherhood, stating that "by cultivating a plant containing the patented gene and composed of the patented cells without licence, the appellants [canola farmer Percy Schmeiser] deprived the respondents of the full enjoyment of the monopoly." With this ruling, the Canadian courts follow the U.S. Supreme Court in its decision on patent issues involving plants and genes.
• In February of 2005, the Biotech Brotherhood has filed patent claims on common breeding techniques for pigs which would grant the ownership of any pigs born of such techniques and their related herds. Patents have been filed in 160 nations.

The Hedgehog

A.K.A: Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy Hyatt

Powers: Using his mighty Rod of Confidence (the source of his powers), The Hedgehog has slept with over 3,000 women. His greatest accomplishment, however, is the inspiration he has given to millions of hopeless men who now believe that that they too might be able to have sex with at least one woman. Limitations: A little over nine inches. Status: A hero with staying power. Superhero Slogan: "Work hard, show up on time, eschew Viagra, and be hygienic." Interesting Facts:

• Before he became The Hedgehog, Ron Jeremy Hyatt was "a special education teacher, working with disturbed children, autistic kids, and teen schizophrenics."¹
• The Hedgehog "gained some notoriety for being capable of autofellatio, but he has since stated in a 2003 interview that all he can do these days is kiss the tip of his penis due to his weight gain."²

Miss Mass

A.K.A: Oprah Gail Winfrey, Oprah, The Big O

Powers: Miss Mass is able to control the mass of nearly anything. Her powers first manifested internally, causing personal weight gain/loss over which she had little control. Now, with greater control over her powers, Miss Mass has used her abilities to control mass media, the mass of her audience, the mass of her bank account, and the mass of her hair. Limitations: None. Status: Love her or hate her, Miss Mass is unquestionably a superhero. Superhero Slogan: "You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more." Interesting Facts:

• Miss Mass has been ranked the richest African American of the 20th century, the most philanthropic African American of all time,and the world's only Black billionaire for three straight years. She is also, according to several assessments, the most influential woman in the world.
• Miss Mass was molested by her uncle, cousin and a family friend, starting when she was 9. As a teenager, she took to the streets where she became pregnant at 14. She lost the baby after birth.
• After Nelson Mandela asked her to lend support for educational causes in post-Apartheid South Africa, Miss Mass founded the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls.
• Miss Mass' "Opra's Angels Network" has raised more than $51M. Miss Mass herself has donated over $250M to various causes.

Lord Black

A.K.A: Conrad Moffat Black, Baron Black of Crossharbour, "Lord Tubby"

Powers: Possessed by a Supernatural Ego (a creature closely related to the famed "Demons of Hell"), Lord Black channels his mighty Power of Conceit to "generate" (and spend) vast quantities of wealth.

Limitations: While his powers have worked exceedingly well in the business world, they may work against him in the realm of the courts. Status: Lord Black is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. That being said, he has been charged with racketeering, mail and tax fraud, money laundering and obstruction of justice. US prosecutors allege that Black cheated stockholders out of some $80 million in assets¹. Let's face it; he's a villain. Superhero Slogan: "Absolute nonsense. There's no truth or substance whatsoever to these charges."² Interesting Facts:

• Lord Black renounced his Canadian citizenship to obtain his title. He began re-seeking Canadian citizenship in 2006 after the start of his legal troubles. If convicted of fraud in the United States, not only might he not be able to re-obtain his Canadian citizenship, he might not even be allowed into Canada again (especially since he might be spending the rest of his days in jail).
• As a teenager, Lord Black was expelled from Upper Canada College for stealing tests and student information. It is alleged that he stole the student information to determine which students could afford to pay for copies of the tests. This was his first known "criminal caper".

The Preacher

A.K.A: Jerry Springer

Powers: The Preacher has developed the amazing ability to:

• broadcast his image on televisions around the globe,
• bring out the worst in people, on national television,
• mesmerize millions of viewers, and
• subtly implant his morals and values on his mesmerized viewers.

Limitations: While on national television, The Preacher has no limitations. None, whatsoever. It has been reported that The Preacher has a weakness for politics. Status: In spite of his diabolical powers, many consider The Preacher to be a hero. Superhero Slogan: "Take care of yourself, and each other." Interesting Facts:

• The Preacher was born in the East Finchley Tube Station, London, England.
• His parents were Jewish refugees from Nazi Germany.
• Before he developed his powers, The Preacher once paid a prostitute for sex.

Mr. Swift

A.K.A: George W. Bush, President of the United States of America

Powers: Mr. Swift possesses the amazing ability to run at speeds in excess of 630 miles per hour (Mach 0.92) - nearly the speed of sound! Limitations: Mr. Swift only possesses these abilities while running on the treadmill in the gym of his top-secret jet, Air Force One. Status: It is a matter of personal opinion whether or not Mr. Swift is a hero or villain. Interesting Facts: It's not entirely clear if Mr. Swift obtained his name as a result of his fantastic running abilities, the swiftness with which he invades countries, or if the name comes from this anecdotal conversation:

Unidentified Speaker: We can't exactly say you're Mr. Swift, can we? George W. Bush: No, my last name is Bush.